uncaused cause

you sit there. a let-out breath, a flicker of your eyes, a twitch of lips, a kindling of your limbs. a machine with a myriad of processes and routes within your systems. and what do they say? a product of billions of years in the making, an evolved organism, a surviving animal in the big dome of the blind watchmaker. ah yes, a passing, an accidence! you are no longer the prisoners in a cave talking about the casted shadows, not even an image of the divine, nor a subject of the greatest inquiry. not anymore, no more. they say you are just a passing. nothing more.
you sit there. a flash from this screen, a cluster of symbols, an array of colors, a capture of your eye, and finally an acumen made by your three-and-a-half-kilo master organ. wow, a series and multitude of firings and firings for just a snap of time. and what do they say? a mere mechanism to fit in the changing pool of animals, an adaptation, a natural tendency of specialized structures that lie within your inside. you are no longer the discoverer of the mathematical constants, no more! they say you are an accidence.
you sit there. a question, a wry, a confusion.. or an apathy, a boredom or a nothing. maybe perturbed, maybe not. worry not, you are as they say a species of passing and of accidence.
you sit there. a machine of orderly, organized, beautiful myriad of mechanisms.
a passing? an accidence?
you sit there. think. think again.

(Written Wednesday, June 07, 2006)

clickin' and clickin'

when the clock strikes eleven, my life gets predictable. in front of a screen, attending to at least five open cyber windows, chatting with some friends, listening to and singing along (closed eyes and head-banging) with kelly clarkson's "walk away", while drinking a glass of milk, then, pausing from time to time trying to purge the ruins out of me in a blog. nothing occupies me for the past days except for some decaying ruins inside me. it's ineffable, so complicated, i'm completely blank! but there is a very long list of things i wish to do. oh, to finish my plays that i was writing for almost over five months already, to start the new one that is bombarding me lately, to read another lorca piece again, to memorize a good sonnet once more, to go to the beach and drink a godiva vodka under a blue moon, to make a short story for my father, and finally to have a whole day and night talking and talking and singing and singing and dancing and dancing with my friends. but for these past days, i want to spend it with my family before school pulls me out of the house again. sweet but at times boring, haha! i can't believe i'm so idle lately, totally carried away by the soporific days. i want to feel life again like there's no another day, but oh damn this humdrum! oh please, i need a problem, a crack in the pot, a crime, something to splash the water into my face.
...
i am alive at midnight. it's predictable but i am alive because i feel my heart beating with every click of this keyboard. life seems to pass me by, i know. but before i close my eyes, my zygomaticos major and orbicularis oculi contract well. a smile eternal.

(Written Saturday, June 10, 2006)

daughter of eve

i have a long hair, a skinny figure, a good voice, a set of polished nails, a slightly painted eyes, and a fair skin. what's wrong with that? nothing. but there must be something really wrong and i have to find out what it is.
at home with four grown-up, muscled, and literally big brothers, i have to do chores otherwise i am to be labeled a lazy and untrained female. i have to be home before eight- a sort of curfew, all right. i even have to try my luck to have my folks understand certain things that i have to do, however it may seem so noble or academic or honest. it's hard especially when they know you have a boyfriend- even if he is a great achiever or a spiritual man. they would downgrade such things into a common thinking that he is either a passing or a future headache. haha! whereas, my brothers- oh yes, how i envy them. they could strut anytime they want. they could enjoy the outside with all their freakin' might. aaahhh! i thought this is the twenty sixth century already. oh yes it is but at home it's not even the nineteen hundred.
but i have a big brain to understand what's going on. society says, i have to be protected, i have to be well taken care of, i have to be keenly watched over, i have to be seriously guarded, i have to be restricted and restrained, i have to be controlled. why? why? why?
look at me. i have a long hair, a skinny figure, a good voice, a set of polished nails, a slightly painted eyes, and a fair skin.
try to look at me again. i have an eloquence, i have a brilliance, an intelligence, a character. i have a life to live! why then such misery? aahh, yes, i see... i know now!
my uterus sucks the life out of me.

(Written Thursday, June 08, 2006)

darn luv

other line: (crying) 'tang ina nya, toni! ginago nya ko! bat ganun? he promised hindi nya ako iiwan sa ere.
toni: eh ganun eh. ewan.
other line: it hurts so so much, sobra! mababaliw na ko. please come over, i can't handle this. i feel so alone and shattered....(crying becomes louder)...
toni: im sorry i cant. i have to stay here sa house. why don't you just tell me what you plan to do?
other line: i don't know. if he'd come back, i wouldn't accept him agad. ayokong ganun lang kadali...
toni: haha! as if he'd even think of you despite ng lahat noh!
other line: (crying becomes deafeningly louder) he.... this...he...that...he...this...that...he....this...that...he...this...that...he...
toni: (hardly listening) okay, okay, whatever... you know what? all you have to do is very simple...
(sudden silence)
other line: what?
toni: NOT to include your name in the "STUPID GIRLS LIST"!
(silence)
toni: hello, you there?
(tut...tut...tut...tut...tut...tut...)
toni: (in her thoughts) waaaaahhhh! that's a goddamn soothing advise. honey, it's a joke, but it's true! hahaha!

(Written 05 June 2006)

refraction

girl, you're the most disgusting creature. the only thing that concerns you is your self. you'd always think you look far better than me, that you own the world and i don't, that you're admired for many things i can never become. you drown yourself with the thought that people like you because you're damn beautiful and interesting, whereas you'd think i'm boring and hollow. you say i'm paranoid and worthless and that makes me even more more boring. and what? you think you're interesting? why? ah, by your pretentious writings, by some superfluous words, by make-believe principles, by your self-ornamented life, and of course by your very tell-tale heart. how disgusting indeed! the truth is, you are a hideous animal. you are driven by the very innate drive of an animal- - the shit within you!
girl, how i loathe you! you are full of shit! eeerrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh!
oh please, get off my mirror.

(Written 11pm 25 may 2006 qc home, angered by a shitful girl)

o draconian devil, o lame saints...

the moment the movie ended, i heard my father said: "i am confused", and my mother saying: "i am not convinced". welp, i otherwise believe that the movie does not intend either way. it's a movie, it's commercial, it's hollywood, etcetera, etcetera...what do you expect? so, to start with this blogging about my movie experience, i shall first talk about the movie- it's formal elements, it's artistic nature, it's creative pursuit, its production, blah, blah,blah...huh...spoken like a true critic! i have always loved ron howard's direction and this time, i think he really did a great job in finally giving life to dan brown's pop-culturally disturbing book. i'd read the book almost more than a year ago, primarily out of social dictation and a little bit of curiosity, and tom hanks never crossed my mind to personify the robert langdon i met in the book (but audrey tautou seems appropriate to be the sophie neauveau). but, I do love the way tom hanks performed in the movie, wow, so unexpected. of course, take that from r. howard's direction. hmm, i would not want to dwell in this formal critique- one could get a lot of that from websites, from professional critics themselves, or from laymen who have enthusiastically watched the film.

it's a funny thing though that the movie board rated the film R-18. they are idiots! they make people idiots, and the more they restrain idiotic people from viewing the film, the more they appear to more idiotic, ha, far more idiotic indeed. what are they so afraid of anyway? let me guess... ecclesiastic contradictions, doctrinal fallacy, outright blasphemy...name it... bottom line, they are afraid that it may d-i-s-t-u-r-b our faith. anyone who've read the book must notice that in dan brown's foreword, though the organizations (e.g. priory of zion) included in the book is deemed realistic based on his personal researches, he on the other hand explicitly stated that the story (including plot and characters) is but a fiction. so any sane person who understand the word "fiction" should right away take the author's word for it. is it that hard to understand?

on the way back home, my parents seemed a little bit affected with the movie. my mother said that whether or not jesus married somebody, it wouldn't matter because like what sophie said in the movie, he could still make miracles and be a messiah. but i told my mother that even though such argument seems right and sound and rational, still there is a problem with it- it contradicts the biblical account about the identity of jesus. she agreed. but the truth is i am not really trying to argue or defend faith. NOT at this time, not against the movie, because like what i said, it is pointless to argue about it when the author himself pointed out that it is but a fiction. so, enough with religious arguments! one who thinks right would instead think about what one could get from the film (of course, aside from entertainment, things like great thoughts).

for me, the book and the movie presents to us NOT a big-world dilemma on religious doctrines, nor a da vinci code quest, nor some mysterious, metaphysical quest for the grail, nor debate on jesus' divinity-versus-humanity, nor issues with the vatican and opus dei, nor some exaggerated battle between good and evil or truth and myth. no! it requires from us a good understanding of what we have come to believe in, probably in life as a whole or more specifically in our beliefs or principles or in whatever aspect. i noticed that the end of the movie suggests to us a different perspective towards the entire film. we have journeyed with robert langdon and have come to a conclusion that sophie turns out to be a descendant of jesus. but, at the very end of the film, something happens. langdon found another interpretation of the map of the grail, which then leads him to the louvre as the burial site of magdalene and not the rosslyn church where they have previously found out about sophie's lineage. a little bit confusing maybe, but i could think otherwise.

so, my movie experience ends with the timeless principle by socrates- that indeed, the unexamined life is not worth living. to examine our lives, our beliefs, our faith, our journey, just as how Langdon may have come to discover the da vinci code... maybe, this is what i could get from the movie. like what has always been repeated in the entire film, the eyes chooses what it wants to see. so, let my eyes then choose what i want to see. but, i would not want to elaborate more in what i have come to see or examine in my life. that would be my own personal story. and you, maybe, may have a different one. in whatever aspect it may be, nothing bits a good thinking about life.

------------
"The prospect of death is such a strong motivation."
-spoken by Silas, The Da Vinci Code

(Written 20 May 2006)

when i am sad...

(1) i usually have a stock of chocolates and eat voraciously each minute, which would then result to my monthly tonisilitis attack, and would only end up being under a medical observation as to whether i am to undergo a tonsilectomy...what riddance!
(2) i would sleep for several hours when the sun is up, but would get totally insomniac at night, which would then make my entire body ache like hell, and would push me again to be addicted with ibuprofen.
(3) i would sing with an unimaginable enthusiasm in front of a mirror, and then perform the best headbang at the deafening tune of linkin park and paparoach (which in normal mood, i wouldn't even dare to listen to).
(4) i'll be suddenly transformed to an extreme hopeless-highschoolish-romantic girl, punching hard all the available cable channels just to look for a feel-good-and-sleepy-love-story movie.
(5) i would open a box, which contains all the letters given to me by friends/girl-friends/boyfriends, and then i would find myself smiling not because of any sweet-nothings but because of a bad grammar, haha!
(6) i would sit beside my brother as he attentively watches the cnn news and would instead divert his interest to jack tv or etc or whatsoever whacky tv show, and by the time he notices what i did, the news he so awaited for is already over. =)
(7) i would finish reading a book in just a few hours, but end up forgetting the story after a few days.
(8) i would assume that everybody else is sadder than i am, and that left me to be the happiest, hahaha!
(9) i would talk and talk and talk. then, laugh and laugh and laugh...then i'd be so elated, excited, and euphoric!
(10) then, finally, i would write craps like this!

(Written 11:35 pm 16may2006 qc home, feeling sad.)