Sunday, March 28, 2010

scribbling early 2010

Maybe we get to understand that movies like '500 days of summer' is beautiful and true. That every dead end starts with another walk and that new walk we hope will last and hope dies and it's a dead end again and so we manage to take another walk. others stupidly stop. maybe i'm a runner and i am happy i am. 

Our story continues and yes we understand more clearly that it's simple. It's a coming and going until we find a certain type of steadiness then the coming and going and coming and so on. We just live and be happy- what a cliche.  Seemingly fast 2010 for me and i always remember that 500 days of summer. That finally it's not a love story. It's as straightforward as a slap on the face. Who's to tell what this year brings. We can only hold on to that rusty hinges as one sang before. His right. Only time will tell. That five hundredth day. And that first day once more.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

mr webhead

i reckon this chat. i said i will go travel some place alone. he said he too all by himself.we started talking about how steady yet pensive we both are. what will you bring when you travel,he asked. i said: cellphone,laptop,mp3,etc etc.you missed the camera,he said. oh the camera yes, i said. some pensive chat. we ended thinking maybe it won't be bad to go alone and have someone take each other's picture. we both just laughed.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

stuck

i want you to hold my hand and pull me out.
let's walk, let's talk, let's see the world.

i want you to breathe so heavily
and my lungs be filled.

let's run, let's laugh.

i want you to look at me
and i'll close my eyes in peace.

let's dance, let's hear the music.

i want you to be with me and together be amazed.]let's run, let's run. let's see the world.
are we stuck? i wish we know.
time will let us.
someday.

maybe.
maybe.

Photo Source: flickr.com

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

maktub


Made me remember the movement and streets of City of God. Made me remember the realism and substance of Trainspotting. I have to say one of the best that i've watched recently. A great turn out of slum experiences of Jamal for that staggering money. He is a genius? He cheated? It is written? Turns out that "it's written". Made me remember the Arab word "maktub" as used by Coelho in The Alchemist. In the film, "it is written" is "destiny". Spoken like an aphorism. Well destiny it is then for Jamal's series of unfortunate and turn-out-to-be-fortunate events. It is written. Makes sense.


Film: Slumdog Millionaire, Photo from
theactivist.org

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

compelling

you sense
you try
you give it a shot
you expect somehow
you wait
you get agitated
you wait
you think twice
you miss
you like
you love
you wish
he'd be compelled
one day
maybe
maybe not
who knows
whatever
goes!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

a day to count

i was humbled by the sheer laughters of the crowd as i walked around araneta. people, lights, noise, music. christmas must be near. yes, the chaos of the city- it has always made me feel that a day is not just adding up figures. people. laughing with friends, smiling at strangers, glimpsing at some inspiration. that's a day to count. i kept saying i'm bored. i considered taking another road. but the people. i am staying because i am happy. i am happy with the sheer madness with laughter, or with chatting with friends, with telling and listening to stories. this is my life. i realized. i love the crowd, the chaos, the people, the city. relating with people. being happy. at peace. in love. and again happy. a day to count. must always be a choice.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

year long memories with trainees






early this year, they said i needed a book. might have. might have not.

the editor was my professor. i said to them no, not from her.
they insisted. i read. i thought twice. then i continued.
so they were really convinced it might help. might. might not.

it didn't really. i didn't need it. i read it though.
and i loved the artistry. the stories? the artistry. period.
i told them that. they were pleased.
then another said that i needed music. sure i said.
they gave me gin blossoms. they know my taste.
i don't know how they got a picture of me.
they pasted it beside the band.
i was touched. they were pleased.

to the "they" who worked with me within a year.
"they" became "us". and "ours" for the memories!
that made my year. my trainees.

Friday, September 19, 2008

let the day flow by

until you see me.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

29 by jesse valenzuela

Time wont stand by forever if I know its true
And Ive learned not to say never
Or else Ill seem the fool
Twenty-nine youd think Id know better
Living like a kid
When my lies may seem less than clever
Is when I fall for it
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Some rides dont have much of a finish
Thats the ride I took
Through good and bad and straight through indifference
Without a second look
Theres no intentions worthy of mention
If we never try
So hang your hopes on rusted-out hinges
Take em for a ride
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Only time will tell...



photo from
photos.almacrae.com/Paris/wishing_well.jpg
photo copyright © 2000 Andrew Leith Macrae

Saturday, December 22, 2007

banausic



when the lights are out. nothingness.
as if nothing happened, like the day is a blink.
in daytime, i once again see things.
people, places, motions.
as if something is alive, like the night will never come.
life, i guess.
and then the lights are out again.
nothingness.
then day.
night.
goes around.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

stuck


i want you to hold my hand and pull me out. let's walk, let's talk, let's see the world.
i want you to breathe so heavily and my lungs be filled. let's run, let's laugh.
but i'm stuck. i wish you'd know.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

tribute to FG

flat cap, graceful strides, carefree face, and a smile when you pass by him. that must be FG. the professor known for his notorious all-or-nothing exams in biopsychology. when i was his student, i had all the guts to sit right in front of him, which turn out to be the most breath-taking experience i had inside a classroom. no one made me so proud being a psych major then but FG. he had consistently electrified our neurons to fire and fire while he did so neatly those well-drawn brainstem or indole ring or neurotransmitters. he was loved not only because he was a genius or an artist or an idealist or a realist. he was loved because he loved life and shared it with us, his students. we all love him. as for me, i will never forget him. whenever passivity or humdrum is around, i play the video tribute made by the psych department for him during the wake. i play it and i see once again and love life. i wish to be remembered exactly as how i remember FG.

i will never stop reading and remembering these lines he shared...

"Live with a high mean and low standard deviation."
"Genius is obsessive. Laziness is contrary to genius. Kung tinatamad ka, hindi mo kaya. Rationalization lang iyon."
"You read behind words. You think."
"When others are hesitant to take the first step, take it."
"When the resistance is very, very strong, then the will must be stronger."
"Mitochondria - they are like the Meralco of the cell."
"Namulaklak ang cerebral hemispheres ng tao kaya nagkaroon ng temporal lobes"
"Don't aspire for it. Earn it."
"Domestification of the human male is one of the greatest achievements of the human race."
"300 million sperm in one ejaculation. Talagang overkill, noh? Tapos isa lang makakarating doon."
"Intelligence allows us to inhabit any place on the earth."
"You have no right to destroy what you did not create." (regarding suicide)
"Philosophy is the unscientific study of the mind."
"The females inherit the earth. And the suffering thereof."
"Mathematics is simplification and contraction of notations"
"The μ is the most democratic measure because it gets from every value."
"Psychology is the greatest of all in CSSP. Mayroon bang Experimental Sociology, Experimental Economics, Experimental Philosophy? Only Psychology offers empirical evidences from experimental Psychology."
"I do not know many. I only know enough to teach my classes."
“You do not fall in love. You rise in love. That's how you love rationally...”
“Meanings we find are the meanings we make.”
“What you learn in UP is to go on and never give up. That if there be one person left standing, let it be me. Let Ateneo fall first before UP...”
"I wish I could write a poem that would be the song of my race. That would be the most beautiful song."
"Perfect correlation rarely exists in nature. It only exists in force."
“The last domesticated animal is the human male.”
“There is no predestination. Only a matter of probability or chance.”
“Just be observant. Divine comedy is always happening in our midst.”
"I still pursue my north star."
"My last love is Psychology. I was raped by Psychology."
“A rational man doesn’t extricate himself and blame it on the environment.”
“Even great men make mistakes…which may be great mistakes, too.” (After explaining Aristotle’s mistake regarding the brain’s mechanism for regulating temperature)
“I just come to class to tell stories, and when I remember, I teach.” (After realizing that he has strayed quite far from the topic)
“Thinkers are absent-minded because they focus on their thoughts.”
“Just like other professors (in UP), they (professors from other universities) just croak... ‘croak-croak-croak.’ ”
"Do not live long enough to be worthless."
“I’m not a wise man. I’m just a plain teacher, and I’m happy with that. My life is an anecdote. Just one big joke.”

"What's a measure of a man as a social being? The measure of a man is how many doors he has opened to other people, especially to those he doesn’t know, to those who refused to open the doors for themselves and to those who cannot open the door for themselves."
“Life is serious. Life is funny. Life is comical.”

Sunday, October 14, 2007

desperation

desperation is the crack on my head.
please patch.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

uncaused cause

you sit there. a let-out breath, a flicker of your eyes, a twitch of lips, a kindling of your limbs. a machine with a myriad of processes and routes within your systems. and what do they say? a product of billions of years in the making, an evolved organism, a surviving animal in the big dome of the blind watchmaker. ah yes, a passing, an accidence! you are no longer the prisoners in a cave talking about the casted shadows, not even an image of the divine, nor a subject of the greatest inquiry. not anymore, no more. they say you are just a passing. nothing more.
you sit there. a flash from this screen, a cluster of symbols, an array of colors, a capture of your eye, and finally an acumen made by your three-and-a-half-kilo master organ. wow, a series and multitude of firings and firings for just a snap of time. and what do they say? a mere mechanism to fit in the changing pool of animals, an adaptation, a natural tendency of specialized structures that lie within your inside. you are no longer the discoverer of the mathematical constants, no more! they say you are an accidence.
you sit there. a question, a wry, a confusion.. or an apathy, a boredom or a nothing. maybe perturbed, maybe not. worry not, you are as they say a species of passing and of accidence.
you sit there. a machine of orderly, organized, beautiful myriad of mechanisms.
a passing? an accidence?
you sit there. think. think again.


(Written Wednesday, June 07, 2006)

clickin' and clickin'

when the clock strikes eleven, my life gets predictable. in front of a screen, attending to at least five open cyber windows, chatting with some friends, listening to and singing along (closed eyes and head-banging) with kelly clarkson's "walk away", while drinking a glass of milk, then, pausing from time to time trying to purge the ruins out of me in a blog. nothing occupies me for the past days except for some decaying ruins inside me. it's ineffable, so complicated, i'm completely blank! but there is a very long list of things i wish to do. oh, to finish my plays that i was writing for almost over five months already, to start the new one that is bombarding me lately, to read another lorca piece again, to memorize a good sonnet once more, to go to the beach and drink a godiva vodka under a blue moon, to make a short story for my father, and finally to have a whole day and night talking and talking and singing and singing and dancing and dancing with my friends. but for these past days, i want to spend it with my family before school pulls me out of the house again. sweet but at times boring, haha! i can't believe i'm so idle lately, totally carried away by the soporific days. i want to feel life again like there's no another day, but oh damn this humdrum! oh please, i need a problem, a crack in the pot, a crime, something to splash the water into my face.
...
i am alive at midnight. it's predictable but i am alive because i feel my heart beating with every click of this keyboard. life seems to pass me by, i know. but before i close my eyes, my zygomaticos major and orbicularis oculi contract well. a smile eternal.

(Written Saturday, June 10, 2006)

daughter of eve

i have a long hair, a skinny figure, a good voice, a set of polished nails, a slightly painted eyes, and a fair skin. what's wrong with that? nothing. but there must be something really wrong and i have to find out what it is.
at home with four grown-up, muscled, and literally big brothers, i have to do chores otherwise i am to be labeled a lazy and untrained female. i have to be home before eight- a sort of curfew, all right. i even have to try my luck to have my folks understand certain things that i have to do, however it may seem so noble or academic or honest. it's hard especially when they know you have a boyfriend- even if he is a great achiever or a spiritual man. they would downgrade such things into a common thinking that he is either a passing or a future headache. haha! whereas, my brothers- oh yes, how i envy them. they could strut anytime they want. they could enjoy the outside with all their freakin' might. aaahhh! i thought this is the twenty sixth century already. oh yes it is but at home it's not even the nineteen hundred.
but i have a big brain to understand what's going on. society says, i have to be protected, i have to be well taken care of, i have to be keenly watched over, i have to be seriously guarded, i have to be restricted and restrained, i have to be controlled. why? why? why?
look at me. i have a long hair, a skinny figure, a good voice, a set of polished nails, a slightly painted eyes, and a fair skin.
try to look at me again. i have an eloquence, i have a brilliance, an intelligence, a character. i have a life to live! why then such misery? aahh, yes, i see... i know now!
my uterus sucks the life out of me.

(Written Thursday, June 08, 2006)



darn luv

other line: (crying) 'tang ina nya, toni! ginago nya ko! bat ganun? he promised hindi nya ako iiwan sa ere.
toni: eh ganun eh. ewan.
other line: it hurts so so much, sobra! mababaliw na ko. please come over, i can't handle this. i feel so alone and shattered....(crying becomes louder)...
toni: im sorry i cant. i have to stay here sa house. why don't you just tell me what you plan to do?
other line: i don't know. if he'd come back, i wouldn't accept him agad. ayokong ganun lang kadali...
toni: haha! as if he'd even think of you despite ng lahat noh!
other line: (crying becomes deafeningly louder) he.... this...he...that...he...this...that...he....this...that...he...this...that...he...
toni: (hardly listening) okay, okay, whatever... you know what? all you have to do is very simple...
(sudden silence)
other line: what?
toni: NOT to include your name in the "STUPID GIRLS LIST"!
(silence)
toni: hello, you there?
(tut...tut...tut...tut...tut...tut...)
toni: (in her thoughts) waaaaahhhh! that's a goddamn soothing advise. honey, it's a joke, but it's true! hahaha!


(Written 05 June 2006)

refraction

girl, you're the most disgusting creature. the only thing that concerns you is your self. you'd always think you look far better than me, that you own the world and i don't, that you're admired for many things i can never become. you drown yourself with the thought that people like you because you're damn beautiful and interesting, whereas you'd think i'm boring and hollow. you say i'm paranoid and worthless and that makes me even more more boring. and what? you think you're interesting? why? ah, by your pretentious writings, by some superfluous words, by make-believe principles, by your self-ornamented life, and of course by your very tell-tale heart. how disgusting indeed! the truth is, you are a hideous animal. you are driven by the very innate drive of an animal- - the shit within you!
girl, how i loathe you! you are full of shit! eeerrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh!
oh please, get off my mirror.

(Written 11pm 25 may 2006 qc home, angered by a shitful girl)

o draconian devil, o lame saints...


the moment the movie ended, i heard my father said: "i am confused", and my mother saying: "i am not convinced". welp, i otherwise believe that the movie does not intend either way. it's a movie, it's commercial, it's hollywood, etcetera, etcetera...what do you expect? so, to start with this blogging about my movie experience, i shall first talk about the movie- it's formal elements, it's artistic nature, it's creative pursuit, its production, blah, blah,blah...huh...spoken like a true critic! i have always loved ron howard's direction and this time, i think he really did a great job in finally giving life to dan brown's pop-culturally disturbing book. i'd read the book almost more than a year ago, primarily out of social dictation and a little bit of curiosity, and tom hanks never crossed my mind to personify the robert langdon i met in the book (but audrey tautou seems appropriate to be the sophie neauveau). but, I do love the way tom hanks performed in the movie, wow, so unexpected. of course, take that from r. howard's direction. hmm, i would not want to dwell in this formal critique- one could get a lot of that from websites, from professional critics themselves, or from laymen who have enthusiastically watched the film.

it's a funny thing though that the movie board rated the film R-18. they are idiots! they make people idiots, and the more they restrain idiotic people from viewing the film, the more they appear to more idiotic, ha, far more idiotic indeed. what are they so afraid of anyway? let me guess... ecclesiastic contradictions, doctrinal fallacy, outright blasphemy...name it... bottom line, they are afraid that it may d-i-s-t-u-r-b our faith. anyone who've read the book must notice that in dan brown's foreword, though the organizations (e.g. priory of zion) included in the book is deemed realistic based on his personal researches, he on the other hand explicitly stated that the story (including plot and characters) is but a fiction. so any sane person who understand the word "fiction" should right away take the author's word for it. is it that hard to understand?

on the way back home, my parents seemed a little bit affected with the movie. my mother said that whether or not jesus married somebody, it wouldn't matter because like what sophie said in the movie, he could still make miracles and be a messiah. but i told my mother that even though such argument seems right and sound and rational, still there is a problem with it- it contradicts the biblical account about the identity of jesus. she agreed. but the truth is i am not really trying to argue or defend faith. NOT at this time, not against the movie, because like what i said, it is pointless to argue about it when the author himself pointed out that it is but a fiction. so, enough with religious arguments! one who thinks right would instead think about what one could get from the film (of course, aside from entertainment, things like great thoughts).

for me, the book and the movie presents to us NOT a big-world dilemma on religious doctrines, nor a da vinci code quest, nor some mysterious, metaphysical quest for the grail, nor debate on jesus' divinity-versus-humanity, nor issues with the vatican and opus dei, nor some exaggerated battle between good and evil or truth and myth. no! it requires from us a good understanding of what we have come to believe in, probably in life as a whole or more specifically in our beliefs or principles or in whatever aspect. i noticed that the end of the movie suggests to us a different perspective towards the entire film. we have journeyed with robert langdon and have come to a conclusion that sophie turns out to be a descendant of jesus. but, at the very end of the film, something happens. langdon found another interpretation of the map of the grail, which then leads him to the louvre as the burial site of magdalene and not the rosslyn church where they have previously found out about sophie's lineage. a little bit confusing maybe, but i could think otherwise.

so, my movie experience ends with the timeless principle by socrates- that indeed, the unexamined life is not worth living. to examine our lives, our beliefs, our faith, our journey, just as how Langdon may have come to discover the da vinci code... maybe, this is what i could get from the movie. like what has always been repeated in the entire film, the eyes chooses what it wants to see. so, let my eyes then choose what i want to see. but, i would not want to elaborate more in what i have come to see or examine in my life. that would be my own personal story. and you, maybe, may have a different one. in whatever aspect it may be, nothing bits a good thinking about life.

------------
"The prospect of death is such a strong motivation."
-spoken by Silas, The Da Vinci Code
(Written 20 May 2006)

when i am sad...

(1) i usually have a stock of chocolates and eat voraciously each minute, which would then result to my monthly tonisilitis attack, and would only end up being under a medical observation as to whether i am to undergo a tonsilectomy...what riddance!
(2) i would sleep for several hours when the sun is up, but would get totally insomniac at night, which would then make my entire body ache like hell, and would push me again to be addicted with ibuprofen.

(3) i would sing with an unimaginable enthusiasm in front of a mirror, and then perform the best headbang at the deafening tune of linkin park and paparoach (which in normal mood, i wouldn't even dare to listen to).
(4) i'll be suddenly transformed to an extreme hopeless-highschoolish-romantic girl, punching hard all the available cable channels just to look for a feel-good-and-sleepy-love-story movie.

(5) i would open a box, which contains all the letters given to me by friends/girl-friends/boyfriends, and then i would find myself smiling not because of any sweet-nothings but because of a bad grammar, haha!
(6) i would sit beside my brother as he attentively watches the cnn news and would instead divert his interest to jack tv or etc or whatsoever whacky tv show, and by the time he notices what i did, the news he so awaited for is already over. =)
(7) i would finish reading a book in just a few hours, but end up forgetting the story after a few days.
(8) i would assume that everybody else is sadder than i am, and that left me to be the happiest, hahaha!
(9) i would talk and talk and talk. then, laugh and laugh and laugh...then i'd be so elated, excited, and euphoric!
(10) then, finally, i would write craps like this!


(Written 11:35 pm 16may2006 qc home, feeling sad.)